Preparation, preparation, preparation… and shotgun shells

20 May

I woke up one morning not long ago with a strong desire to go shopping for shotgun shells. In my sleep, I had been caught up in a zombie apocalypse with nothing for ammunition but some magic dust that had to be puffed right into their slavering faces.

Folks, that’s just too close. A shotgun provides a more comfortable distance and range. And you can’t have too many shells.

That’s not a crazy dream for me, sad to say. I’ve been having zombie nightmares since 1978, when I saw the original Dawn of the Dead at the old Heights theater. During the movie, I was so terrified that despite serious need, I would not go to the ladies’ room because I knew — knew — that I would be vulnerable to attack while pants-down in a stall. (After seeing Zombieland, I feel validated about this particular fear. Rule #3: Beware of bathrooms.)

I confess that I’ve thought way too much about preparing for a zombie apocalypse. One of my favorite FB pages is Zombie Apocalypse Preparation on which there are daily posts about such matters as freeze-dried vs. vacuum-packed foods, the most practical places to take refuge (it’s not the mall or Sam’s Club, folks), most impractical clothing choices, and what type of machete best serves the dual purpose of beheading zombies and cutting back brush.

These are all valid issues for any type of apocalypse or a total collapse of civil order due to natural disaster, political unrest or the launch of the latest ipad. Planning for a potential zombie apocalypse differs little from planning for any run-of-the-mill apocalypse.

Perry the Exterminator, the young man who comes to my house every three months to spray for bugs (so that there may never be an insect apocalypse, especially one led by those giant brown bugs that look like roaches but are something called “smoky browns” — did you know they can fly?!), shares my thoughts about preparation for a zombie apocalypse.

“If you’re prepared for a zombie apocalypse, you’re prepared for just about anything,” Perry said after the last winter’s “snowpocalypse.”

He noted that grocery stores usually are stocked with only two to three days worth of food for their regular patrons. In a zombie apocalypse, you would expect more than the normal amount of customers buying more than their usual amount of groceries  — although it’s likely there will be no actual buying involved.

Now the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta — what people in fictional apocalypse scenarios always believe will be the last gathering place of surviving humanity but which always turns out to be a hermetically sealed grave — has gotten on board and released its own list of preparations for a zombie apocalypse.

The CDC’s list includes the usual things: water, food, first-aid kit, driver’s license (really?), utility knives, clothing and bedding.

However, noticeably absent from the list are weapons, which anybody who knows anything about zombie apocalypse (or any total breakdown of civil authority) knows are essential. The more weapons, the better. Machetes, baseball bats, weighted truncheons, rocket launchers, rifles and shotguns.

The CDC’s woefully inadequate plan stresses the prominent role that government agencies will play in killing the zombies, finding a cure for whatever created the zombies, and restoring civil order. The government will protect us and provide sanctuary. The government will have doctors, scientists, antibiotics, microscopes, and funding. Yeah, magic dust.

Have these people seen The Walking Dead?

Shotgun. Shells. Preparation.

Zombies don’t kill themselves.

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2 Responses to “Preparation, preparation, preparation… and shotgun shells”

  1. Brenda Looper May 20, 2011 at 4:33 pm #

    Omigod! I KNEW I wasn’t the only one — but since I don’t have a shotgun, I’ll just make sure to keep my sharp, scary machete that much closer to me … and wear comfy shoes so I can at least outrun the idiot behind me who scoffs at the idea of zombies.

    • Rhonda May 21, 2011 at 12:15 am #

      You are not alone, Brenda.

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